Dream Visit

Greetings, friends!

Before you start, I want to offer a trigger warning about death, grief, and a visit from the afterlife.

I woke up this morning mid-sob, mid-hyperventilation, mid-sniffle. For the Cancer lunar cycle, I was doing a dream ritual nightly before bed at the guidance of Artemis. I have since stopped, and I have been getting the most intense dreams ever since. Here is why I woke up sobbing this morning.

Goddess Statue from here

My nana visited me in my dream. I have never had this happen before. 

My nana died in May of 2019 while I was in grad school doing my practicum. It was the longest 5 days of my life. I did not sleep more than about 3 hours each night, and I dissociated my way through the trip trying not throw up from the constant lack of sleep. I had homework to do, and I watched in horror as my nana was sicker than I had ever seen her, and she was being neglected. She passed the day after I came home. 

In my dream, I was staying at my nana's place. It was not really her place, but it worked for the dream. I was in Idaho (ugh), and I was staying there. Her neighbor was running for some form of elected office, and I had no idea who she was. I just knew this openly gay person was knocking on my nana's door, and I had to get out of bed from a debilitating depression. We talked, but I can't remember about what. I sent her away because I saw my nana coming up the walkway, and she did not look pleased.

Here's the thing about life, sometimes the people you love don't have the same politics as you do. This made it really hard to love my nana as much as I wanted to. That, and the fact that I saw her maybe 8 times in the 30 years I was alive. My dream self knew that LGBTQIA+ were not safe in this home, and she protected this woman by sending her away with peace and love.

I can't remember what happened next, but the dream home was tight. It was cramped. We were constantly walking all over each other, running into things. I was asked to talk about my dad, and I started, but I had to stop because I could feel my throat constricting with tears. We switched to dancing together. She led.

As we moved clumsily through the little kitchen, something about the dream home being cluttered (in real life, her home was not cluttered. She was a clean freak.) came up, and she said, "I just can't get rid of these things. They are like a..."

And I came in and said, "an altar for him?" This was in reference to her second husband who (by all accounts) was a horrible, horrible person.

She looked at me confused because she knows I am not religious, and she said, "Yes," and she began to tear up. I looked at her, tears in my eyes, and said, "I keep altars too. I even have an altar for you at home. I keep your ashes on it."

The entire dream shifted. She begin to cry harder. I began spluttering through tears and ragged breath that I shouldn't have said that. It was weird. We weren't supposed to talk about how she is living a second life. She stopped me, and said, "This is exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know this."

I was crying so hard in my dream that it woke me up. I woke up mid-sob, tears rolling down my face. That is how I started my day today. Releasing tears for grief I never really processed. I refreshed her water (I noticed it was farther down than the other altars which tells me she has been with me a lot lately), and I lit a candle. I will be bringing her back into my divination practice.